The Fic to End All Fics
by HogwartsJumble
Summary: Basically a parody of every fic out there. Hermie is a hoe, Harry is a super conceited narcissist who is obsessed with his nose, and everyone else is just plain odd.
1. The Weirdness Begins!

AuthorsÕ Note: Hello all! This is a compilation of random thoughts from around 3:00am, so donÕt expect anything to make sense. If you enjoy fics with a plot, do yourself a favor and continue on your merry way, as this is not one of them. Okay, well it sort of has a plot but the plot is extremely weird and doesnÕt make much sense. If all your common sense has been lost, well then, please, do carry on.  
  
Harry awoke to the rising dawn of a new day, which he was sure would involve new challenges for him and his friends to conquer. The first task he must complete was to wash his face. Observing himself in the mirror, he noted that his jet black hair was as unkempt as always, cascading over his forehead in unruly waves, covering his fleshy, jagged scar with the darkness of a ravenÕs wing. His jade green eyes were as piercing as always. Carefully, he raised his lush blue wash cloth to the sink, letting hot water envelope the cloth, weighing it down with moisture. Watching his movements in the mirror, he gently began to wash off the exfoliating clay mask he applied to his nose every night. His beautiful nose was, he thought, his best feature. Dead center and perfectly symmetrical, it was drop-dead sexy. He took extremely good care in the daily process of cleansing, making sure to gently wash his glorious honker, removing all traces of the exfoliator, then rubbing in some of his daily cleanser. He couldnÕt live without the stuff. He wanted his perfect nose, chiseled with the precision of the best gem-cutter, to radiate greatness. Continuing to admire himself, Harry rinsed and repeated.  
  
c ~ /c  
  
The frizzy haired 7th year awoke to the pleasant sensation of being in the arms of the luscious Draco Malfoy. Sighing, she remembered the magical night they had just shared. Ha! Coming back to reality- sheÕd done it with just about everything vaguely resembling a male (including Millicent Bullstrode) within 25 kilometres of the Hogwarts grounds. iHey!/i she thought with a start. iDidnÕt Parvati want to ask me something? I should get going./i  
  
Removing herself from DracoÕs arms, she retrieved her silk panties from the lampshade. Hurriedly throwing on various items of clothing, she gave the sleeping Draco a kiss and exited. Upon reaching the portrait hole of the Gryffindor common room, she woke up an extremely grumpy fat lady and silently entered the still common room. Checking the clock, she realized that it was 6:30 already. That fat lady had been sleeping late recently. Wonder why... Hurrying up to the dorm room shared by herself, Lavendar, and Parvati, she found them both already dressed and ready for breakfast.  
  
ÒWho was it this time, Hermie?Ó inquired Parvati in a bored tone of voice.  
  
ÒMalfoy...damn he fine!Ó Hermione responded eagerly.  
  
ÒEw, say no more. I do not want another hour-long discussion on ÔMalfoy LovinÕ as you so eloquently put it.Ó Lavender added with disgust.  
Hermione shook her head, muttering to herself, as Parvati began to speak.  
  
ÒSo Herm, I was thinking of asking Ron to the Yule Ball,Ó Parvati said hesitantly.  
  
ÒAw, thatÕs sweet. Here! You can borrow my lucky scrunchie! It helped me pass potions,Ó Hermione said, beaming.  
  
Lavender rolled her eyes. ÒThe only reason you passed Potions was because you gave Professor Snape a lapdance right before the final.Ó  
  
ÒYeah....Ó Hermione said as if it was obvious. ÒLuckily!Ó  
  
Parvati, still looking rather unconvinced, reluctantly took the shimmery turquoise band proferred by a still beaming Hermione. Fixing it in her hair, she smiled hesitantly back at Hermione, who smiled widely. Lavender just sat on the bed, rolling her eyes and patting ParvatiÕs arm.  
  
c~/c  
  
Back in the boys dorm, Ron paced the floor. Harry was washing his stupid nose again. Could he be any more conceited? I mean, his screams constantly wake me up in the middle of the night when heÕs having a nightmare about *gasp* a ZIT! A blemish on his perfect nose! AHHH!!! Ron snorted. Harry could be such a prat sometimes. But back to the topic at hand...he really wanted to ask Parvati to the Yule Ball. But it would be uso/u embarassing if she said no. He paced a couple more times and then decided to seize the day. ÒCarpe diem!Ó he exclaimed loudly.  
  
Harry popped his head out of the bathroom. ÒWhat?! Did you just say weÕre out of cleanser?!Ó he yelled.  
  
ÒNo you great big prat! I said Carpe diem! Seize the day. Phht. Like youÕd understand,Ó Ron said irritably.  
  
ÒOf course IÕd understand!Ó Harry said, plopping femininely on the bed. ÒSo...tell me everything.Ó  
  
Ron, not knowing what he was getting himself into, began to talk.  
  
  
  
AuthorÕs Note:Did anyone see the Legally Blonde reference? God that movie rocks. Anyhoo, please donÕt flame. Flamers are great big meanies. Anyway, you were warned beforehand that it would be quite odd. *Draco Malfoy waltzes in and begins to freak dance with Olivia. Olivia giggles and runs off with him, leaving me all alone. Sniffle.* But anyhoo, continuing, all flames will be used to roast me some oÕ them marshmallows. Mm mm mm IÕm a-hankerinÕ for a good sÕmore. Well then please review and we will give you lots of kudos in our next chapter. *Hugs*  
  
*A* 


	2. The Weirdness Continues

Chapter 2  
  
As the scene opens, Hermione is passionately snogging Goyle. Dean, walking down the hallway, randomly observes that they look like two vacuum cleaners stuck together. Unfortunately, he is so disgusted by what he has just witnessed that he runs and throws up in the boys lavatory. Poor Dean. HeÕll be sick for days. Anyhoo, as Hermione wrapped her legs around GoyleÕs waist, the aforementioned luscious Draco Malfoy comes by. Slapping her almost bare butt (sheÕs exposing her knickers to the world! AHHH!!) he whistled. Hermione turned and caught a glimpse of him winking. Unfortunately, she had to squint, because his overly gelled hair was reflecting light. She licked her lips and smiled at him, then went back to vacuuming GoyleÕs mouth.  
  
Suddenly, a random frog/toad/amphibious creature hopped on HermioneÕs head! Goyle stopped what he was doing (which was something too vulgar to be mentioned) to observe this highly interesting amphibian. Hermione, distracted by the fact that GoyleÕs slimy tongue was no longer in unmentionable places, stopped as well. Turning around, the entangled pair saw Neville come catapulting down the hallway. Scooping the frog off HermioneÕs bushy hair, he exclaimed, ÒTrevor! IÕve been ever so worried!Ó  
  
Hermione, seeing the frog, went wild. She grabbed poor Trevor out of NevilleÕs hands and began to passionately snog the poor creature. Amazingly, Trevor suddenly turned into a ÒhandsomeÓ prince, who remotely resembled one of FrodoÕs hairy feet. Hermione went even wilder and began to molest the poor prince. The disturbed prince, who had never before experienced true love, grabbed HermioneÕs hand, dragging her off to a closet, giggling all the way. Goyle and Neville remained behind. Neville was quite disenchanted that his toad was a prince (ÒI let him sleep in my bed!Ó) and Goyle was quite disenchanted that Hermione was no longer passionately snogging him. WerenÕt they a disenchanted bunch.  
  
Leaving the disenchanted bunch, we find Harry heading off to lunch in the great hall. Every mirror he passes, he takes the opportunity to admire his nose. Ginny comes up behind him, and taps him on the shoulder. Startled, Harry whipped around.  
  
ÒHi Harry, whatcha doinÕ?Ó Ginny asked in a hopeful manner that anyone who wasnÕt so conceited as Harry would find pathetic.  
  
ÒOh, IÕm just making sure my nose has not developed any abnormalities in the past sixteen seconds,Ó he said vainly.  
  
ÒOh.Ó Ginny said, miffed that he hadnÕt been trying to catch a glimpse of her in one of the mirrors. ÒUm..okay well IÕm going to go to the Great Hall now.Ó she said in one last attempt to capture HarryÕs attention.  
  
ÒUh...okay..right...Ó Harry said, still admiring his nose in the mirror. Ginny left, pouting. All of the sudden, Harry had a brilliant idea! He could test out his new idea on Ginny. He cackled evilly (warranting strange stares from several of the portraits) and chased after her, applying an attractiveness potion to his face.  
  
Ginny was sitting at the Gryffindor table when suddenly Harry ran up behind her and pinched her rump. (a/n: isnÕt that the funniest word? rump? okay...so IÕm the only one who thinks that. Fine then.) She squealed, and, without turning around, grabbed her bowl of steaming hot soup and hurled it at HarryÕs face. She then turned around and saw Harry on the ground, clutching his face and clawing at it wildly.   
  
ÒMY NOSE!!! MY PRECIOUS BEAUTIFUL NOSE!Ó he screeched, his face still covered, ÒI AM NEVER SPEAKING TO YOU AGAIN VIRGINIA WEASLEY!Ó  
  
ÒMy my, quite the drama queen!Ó said Hermione from SeamusÕs lap, where she had been forcefully spooning soup into his mouth as he tried to (politely) push that ugly ho off his lap. Finally, Seamus screamed girlishly and pointed to the window.  
  
ÒLOOK OVER THERE!Ó he exclaimed. As Hermione ran to the window, he cleverly ran off to his dorm to take a shower. Who knows where that girl has been! He shuddered and grabbed a gold bar of soap and headed off to the PrefectÕs bathroom.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Author's Note: We lurve you for reading our fic! *smiles encouragingly* Pretty please review, and we will love you forever and ever! Oh and leave your email addy if you want us to email you when we update. Thanks! Oh, and I suppose I should do a disclaimer.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't really own these characters...all I own is the plot, this disclaimer, and you, slave! Dance for me!  
  
(*sob* Well, I don't actually own the disclaimer... I stole it from someone else's fic! *more sobbing* I'm just a regular ol' plagiarist. *hums*) 


	3. The WeirdnessWell It Just Keeps Continui...

Chapter 3  
  
"HARDER! HARDER!" screamed Professor Snape. He was lying shirtless underneath Draco Malfoy, who was sweating and had both hands on Snape's shoulders. He looked like he was pushing as hard as he could.  
"Honestly Sev," said Draco while panting, "I don't know why you don't just get a goddamn chiropractor! I am SO tired of having to crack your back every time you have a crick. Can't Madame Pomfrey do this sort of thing?"  
"No," glared Snape.  
"Okay professor," said Draco meekly.  
(a/n- all you perverts, what did you think they were doing? Draco was merely assisting Snape with his back problems. *shakes head* shame shame shame on you you you!)  
  
From around the corner, a small gasp was heard. Hermione Granger had been standing there the whole time, waiting to "study" for the next potions exam with Snape. Or had she been there to see Draco? She couldn't remember, but from what she had heard (the first sentence) they were *both* cheating on her! With each other no less! Hermione couldn't believe it. Here she was, the sluttiest girl at Hogwarts at their disposal, and they cheated on her? She shook her head, confused, and then stamped off down the hallway.  
  
~  
  
Up in his room, Harry was staring at a Muggle magazine called Playboy and stroking his nose almost lazily. Suddenly, Ron burst in.  
  
"Harry! There's a terrible crisis occuring! You must risk your life for the-" Ron counted on his fingers- "third time this year! Please, we're all in danger and it is up to you, oh great Potter, to save us all!" and with that, Ron slumped to the ground in a panicky stupor. Harry quickly got up and rushed to the nearest Muggle telephone booth, turning rapidly as he changed into-  
  
POTTER, THE GREAT AVENGER!  
  
Emerging from the booth, he realized that the surrounding Muggles were looking at him quite strangely. He promptly stuck one hand on the air, the other on his hip, and blasted off into the sky.  
~~  
  
And now for *theme music* the wonderful author's note! Doncha just love us?  
Next chapter: It's the Invasion of the Mary Sues! How shall Hogwarts cope? And how shall Hermione deal when her reputation is *gasp* threatened by a new girl?   
  
Thanks so much to our reviewers! We love you all! Unfortunately, there haven't been any flames so me and poor Olivia are starving. Please review, it means a lot to us!  
  
The Sovereign of Selenity - Our first reviewer! Oh yeah- poking fun at the ignorant masses truly is a delight.  
  
Silvahra- Awesome, I'm glad you like it! =) I went to go read your story but it said you were the author of O stories! How odd.  
  
Ele'mental'Cat- *giggle* Even if it makes no sense and the characters are completely OOC, thanks for reviewing!  
  
Erin Faith- Thanks for the HTML advice, I'm not sure exactly how to work it. By the way, the random characters are because I have a screwed up computer. *chucks computer out window* But the HTML I think I'll just give up on LOL. By the way, your Survivor story rocks! I am sitting here reading it and practically falling off my chair laughing. Everyone go read it! Now!  
  
Oriencor- Babe you rock! *does happy dance* We're on your favorites list! Hoorah!  
  
Insane Kitten- Maddy, do I even need to say how cool you are? :oP Keiara wants to give Kirara this *hands maddy huge bloody bone* She hopes Kirara will like it, and if not you can fork it back because Keiara loves this sort of thing.  
  
Hurmynee- No sequel but we'll keep updating. It'll probably end up being around 6 or 7 chappies.  
  
blood-on-the-ground- *pats head* Thank you slave, your dancing was admirable. *hands you a cookie*  
  
Angel of Music- Read the above explanation for the characters, thanks so much for reviewing. Random weirdness is what makes the world go round!  
We will update soon, please leave your email in a review if you want us to keep you updated. Gratzi!  
  
-Alli and Olive 


	4. Weirdness Ends, Oddness Begins

Chapter 4 - Invasion of the Mary Sues  
  
When we last saw our hero, he had blasted off into the sky as  
  
POTTER THE AVENGER!  
  
Now we join him as he blasts off to battle the evil Lord Voldemort, whom he automatically knows the location of because he has EVIL DOER RADAR! *dramatic theme music* Sexy, ain't it? But anyway...  
  
Harry landed in the seemingly deserted clearing, in the middle of a forest with abso-tively posi-lutely no help for many kilometers. As Harry cast furtive looks around, suddenly the evil Lord apparated in a large puff of magical pink smoke. One by one, his followers appeared, creating a circle around the two. Anyone could see that Voldemort wanted Harry dead. Harry, turning to the author, scoffed and said,  
  
"How obvious is that?"   
  
Then the author brandished a large, red hot branding iron with the words "KILLED OFF" at Harry, and he retreated cowardly.  
  
The circle widened as more and more black-robed followers joined them. Harry's eyes grew large at the sight of them. He recognized half of the new followers, and silently counted them. It was true, then! Voldemort was returning to power, even more frightful than ever! Harry looked around the circle and gasped.  
  
"George Bush? Auntie Ann, of the pretzel cart? MICHAEL JACKSON?? Noooooooo!" shrieked our poor hero upon seeing the Day-Glo white face of ol' Mikey. He knew that if Voldemort sent Michael against him, he would be forced to listen to the awful sounds that had gone platinum even more times than Michael's skincolor. Voldemort cackled evilly and waved his wand around lazily.  
  
"And now, we shall duel," he whispered, his voice cutting through the clearing and radiating pain through Harry's scar. Both lifted their wands and...  
  
%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-  
(A/N: Oh, I'm evil aren't I? Well we have to save some for the next chapter!)  
  
Back at the castle, Ron's chin was on the floor. Along with the chins of almost every male of the Hogwarts population (the exceptions being Crabbe + Goyle, who were too stupid to do anything but stand in one place and...look stupid) as a steady stream of gorgeous Americans paraded through the entrance doors and into the Great Hall. The Hogwarts girls were glaring threateningly, and as cliche as it is, if looks could kill there would be twenty American psuedo-supermodels buried somewhere near the grounds. Chattered bounced through the Great Hall, echoing off the walls and penetrating the ears of poor, normal Lavender, who was glaring with disgust at Mary Susan Smith, a bouncy redhead who was eyeing Ron eagerly.  
  
"Like, ohmuhgawd. This place is SOOOO cool!" exclaimed Mary Stuart Baker, a petite, raven-haired beauty with the brain of a plastic Barbie doll.  
  
"Ohmuhgawd I know! I mean, look at these awesome walls! They're like, stone! They have got to be like....old or something!" gushed Marysweet Mason, a tall blonde who had been a Victoria's Secret model at the age of twelve and was now a ravishing sixteen with a brain to match the size of her shirt (barely existent).  
  
One of the five relatively intelligent (meaning they had a brain bigger than that of a piece of lettuce) additions to Hogwarts, Maddy Smythe scanned the Great Hall. Maddy was not quite a Mary Sue, but being an American transfer student she was lumped into the category immediately. Her intelligent gray (or were they blue? hazel? no one could ever tell) eyes looked over the gaggle of Hogwarts students standing in the entrance hall, and a giggle escaped her lips. The guys looked so dumb! A lot like her old school in Virginia. But there was one guy in the middle of the crowd who stood out. His eyes were what got her. That and his hair, but we'll get to that in a sec. His eyes looked oddly cartoonish, like Japanese Anime or something! And his black hair stuck out in odd, triangular tufts from his pale head, making him look like an odd baby bird that had been dropped out of the nest. His eyes caught hers and she smiled. She hoped she'd be in his house! Yey! She smiled and went back to making fun of the gawking males.  
  
Another semi-intelligent girl, the blonde, blue eyed Alicia Johansenn looked up from her hands, where she had been studying her new wand. Eleven inch willow, swishy and good for charms. This was so neat! She had just found out that she wasn't a Muggle, like her dad had feared, but she was joining Hogwarts a bit late, as were all of the Americans. Alicia couldn't wait to get sorted. Her dad had been in Ravenclaw and she wanted to be as well. Her mom (a former Hufflepuff) had suggested that Alicia might be put in Gryffindor, which she wouldn't mind because from the crowd, it looked like there were some sorta cute guys from all the houses! There were two suspiciously large lumps that looked masculine though, and they were drooling in her direction rather disturbingly, so she shuffled behind one of her friends and scanned the crowd from a safe distance.  
  
Alicia's friend Olivia shifted disgruntledly. She was itching to be sorted and was sick of being the center of attention in front of all these insufferably dull males. Why couldn't she just hex them from here to Pluto and get on with it? It wasn't like these spells were hard. Even though she was coming to Hogwarts late, her parents had made sure that she knew how to defend herself in any situation. Olivia was hoping to get put in either Ravenclaw or Slytherin. There was no way that she'd be in Hufflepuff, she knew that much. Gryffindor was a distinct possibility, but in all honesty she wasn't that brave. Hopefully the sorting hat would know better than she did. She sighed and went back to tapping her foot and scanning the crowd for a semi-decent guy. Her eyes landed on a cute redhead, but Mary Susan was eyeing him. Well, she could fix that easily. Olivia chuckled demonically and muttered a spell, and let a peal of triumphant laughter escape her lips as the back of Mary Susan's designer jeans split, exposing her sparkly blue thong to the world. Her motto: Don't get mad, get revenge.  
  
Suddenly, the Mary Sues started moving and Maddy, Alicia, and Olivia were steered into the great hall to see the sorting hat. After the long, rhyming song that bored most of the Mary Sues, who had the attention span of goldfish and were now busy examining their perfectly manicured pink nails, names were called and they were sorted into houses. Not surprisingly, thirteen Mary Sues were put into Hufflepuff, and the other two stuck in Slytherin because there just weren't enough beds in the Hufflepuff dorms. The two other relatively intelligent chicas you'll meet later. Alicia, after cramming the hat on her head eagerly, was sent to Ravenclaw, raising a deafening cheer from the guys. She blushed and sat down at the end of the table, next to a tall African-American girl named Madison Johnson (Angelina's younger sister- a/n I'm making this up, so don't tell me that Angelina doesn't have a younger sister or something), who high-fived her and gave her introductions to the rest of the table. Olivia calmly walked up, sat on the stool, and cooly placed the hat on her head. After a minute or so, the hat bellowed "RAVENCLAW!" and a collected Olivia made her way over to the table (not without another deafening cheer) and squished in next to Alicia, who squealed and high fived her happily. Maddy stuck the hat on her head, making quite a comical picture, and immediately became a "GRYFFINDOR!", and she sat down happily next to baby-bird boy, who gave her a huggle admist huge cheers from some of Gryffindor's finer male specimens. The Mary Sues sighed contentedly (even the ones in Slytherin, because, well, they were Mary Sues and they were happy about everything) and made their way to their dormitories, happy to continue their adventures next chapter.  
Next chapter: Possibly more of Harry battling with Voldie and more Mary Sue action, especially with Alicia, Olivia, and Maddy and maybe even the two other semi intelligent Mary Sues, who we have not met. *spooky music* Who will they be? What will be their cup size? Oh and sorry this chapter was sorta boring. I liked the beginning but the part describing us three lovely ladies wasn't funny at all. I'm sure I bored you off your chairs, right into your dumpster where you hid and didn't come out until Chapter five was posted.  
Quote of the chapter: One day, I was walking down the road and I saw a snail. And I thought, I, too, am like that snail, building a protective shell around myself, except that my shell is made of tinfoil and duct tape.  
Hehe!  
Please review, even if it's to tell us that we suck monkey posterior and you're moving to Venus so you'll never have to deal with seeing our idiotic fics again! Love ya!  
Alli and Olerve 


End file.
